Evil Will Always Triumph, Because Good is Dumb
by FelinesAndPhoenixes
Summary: Lucius is planning something. James wants to know what it is. Snape won't help. This won't end well. Quote challenge.


**Title: **Evil Will Always Triumph Because Good is Dumb

**Summary: **The Marauders preparing for something devious that they think that Lucius Malfoy is planning. This is non-cannon compliant because Severus Snape and James Potter are friends. Sort of. That part is a joke, dedicated to a friend of mine who I roleplay with. She and I sort of jokingly ship JP/SS or SS/JP (there's a story there too, lol) and I sort of like the idea of them being secret friends during their Hogwarts days. Takes place after James saves Sevvie's life during the Lupin debacle (mentioned in the first book) and Sevvie decided that James did it because he legitimately didn't want him to die. This happens in their 7th year. Lily is mentioned, but no James/Lily mentioned. Take it as you will, it really has no pairings.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own my quotes. Don't own the fandom. Don't own anything but the plot.

**Author's Note: **Random quote challenge. I have 10 random quotes and am supposed to make a fic out of them. Cheers!

This is a drabble-esque thing that focuses more on using the quotes than actual plot, which is what makes it completely horrible.

"_There is no smoking on school grounds. Or freezing. Or bursting into flame."(done)_

"_Good morning, Starshine. The earth says 'hello'."(done)_

"_Good night and good luck!"(done)_

"_Take a long walk off a short pier!"(done)_

"_The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." (done)_

"_I can't imagine what they're planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal."(done)_

"_It's not that we're afraid. Far from it. It's just that we've got this thing about death. It's…not us."(done)_

"_Look, you get porridge. And it's happy to see you!"(done)_

"_It's not that I'm a jealous man. I just don't like other people touching my things!"(done)_

"_What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?"(done)_

One more random quote, for the title: _"Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."_ Quotes will be in bold in the fic. (Will not be used in actual fic, sadly.)

"Good morning, students!" Albus Dumbledore's voice said brightly. "I have an announcement to make. **There is no smoking on school grounds. Or freezing. Or bursting into flame.** That will be all." He sat down at his place at the staff table and breakfast commenced.

"I don't like it," Sirius Black announced to James Potter as he threw himself into the seat next to him at breakfast.

"Don't like what?" James asked around a mouthful of eggs. He glanced up momentarily at Sirius before turning his attention back to scarfing his breakfast as quickly as possible.

"Malfoy," Sirius grumbled. "He looks devious. The bastard's probably planning something."

James looked up again, now interested in more than his breakfast. "What do you think he's planning?" he asked.

"Not just him," Sirius said. "He's been spending too much time with Snape, Crabbe and Goyle. Whatever they're planning, it's going to be big." He scowled as he heaped eggs onto his own plate.

"**I can't imagine what they're planning**," Remus Lupin said as he sat down on the other side of James, followed by the ever-present Peter Pettigrew, "**but I can tell you two things. We won't like it, and it won't be legal." **He silently poured himself some tea and began to butter a biscuit. "Good morning," he said pleasantly when no one spoke.

"Morning," James muttered, halfheartedly waving at Remus and Peter.

Sirius ignored the greeting and instead slammed his hand down on the table. "We're going to have to come up with some kind of a plan! We'll have to out-prank the smarmy bastards!"

"I hardly think that's a viable solution," Remus muttered.

"Right!" Peter readily agreed with the older boy. "That's a really bad idea!"

"Why?" Sirius asked. "Are you _scared_ or something? Chicken!"

"**It's not that we're afraid**," Peter supplied quickly, blushing. "**It's just that we've got this thing about death. It's….not us.**"

"It's not like you're going to die," James said rationally. "It's a prank. They aren't supposed to kill people."

Remus gave him a significant look. "James," he said in a voice that indicated that he was about to get a lecture.

"Shut up," James said, waving his hand dismissively. "It was _one time_." He sighed. "Well, I'll find out what they're planning, alright? And then we'll just pretend that we don't know, and we'll bloody outdo them, right?" He grinned brightly. "It'll be alright."

Remus rolled his eyes. "This is stupid," he muttered.

The next morning found James Potter sneaking into the library with a bowl of porridge hidden inside his bag, charmed to keep warm and not to spill. And why did he have porridge in his bag? Well, James Potter had the brilliant idea to use it to bribe Severus Snape. Normally…he didn't think it would work. But knowing Snape he had probably spent all night in the library, and had fallen asleep with his face in a book again. This was a normal nightly tradition. Most mornings, however, did not involve James skipping breakfast to try to get information out of someone who may not even know what was going on.

He crept into the library, flashing a charming smile at Madame Pince and moved to the very back of the room, where he knew Snape would be working. Sure enough, Severus was sitting at the very last table in the corner of the room, books and papers spread out across the table in front of him. "**Good morning, Starshine**," James proclaimed brightly. "**The earth says hello**!" He threw his bag onto the table and sat down next to Severus.

"What do you want, Potter?" Severus asked, barely dignifying him with a glance in his direction. "I'm busy."

"Aww, but come oooon," James wheedled. He opened his bag and deposited the bowl of porridge on the table in front of Severus, taking off the charm to keep it from spilling. There was a face made of eggs and bacon in the bowl and James grinned as he offered the spoon to the scowling Slytherin. "But **look**! **You get porridge and it's happy to see you**!"

Snape looked at him in annoyance. "That's stupid," he said. "What do you want?"

"I want you to find out what Malfoy is planning," James said as he shoved the spoon towards his irritated associate.

"Planning?" Snape asked, looking bored.

"Yes! He's been planning something. I'm sure of it. I want you to find out what it is. And then I want you to distract him from it, so we have time to prank him first."

Severus looked completely incredulous. "You want me to distract him? So you and your group of mangy friends can get him first? That's ridiculous." He picked up the spoon and poked idly at the porridge. "Besides. **What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the hula**?" James was giving him a considering look, as though it was a perfectly viable solution. "Potter. No. Don't even think about it. Just..no."

"It's a genius plan!" James exclaimed, evidently too loudly as the librarian shot him an angry look. "Or at least it's so stupid that it's brilliant!"

Severus gave a long-suffering sigh. "Potter, **the difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits**."

"What does that mean?"

"It means no!" Severus said in irritation, standing up and slamming his book closed, beginning to throw things back into his bag. "**Good night and good **luck! I'm going to class. I suggest you do the same." Without another word, he threw his bag over his shoulder and stalked out of the library.

"Shit," James muttered, bereft of any help whatsoever. He slumped in his chair, defeated and more confused as to why Severus had wished him a goodnight at 8am.

It wasn't until he was walking into double potions with the Slytherins that it occurred to him that he had completely put Malfoy out of his mind. He came into the classroom and saw Malfoy giggling with….Crabbe and…well, he wasn't sure of the other. Perhaps McNair? They were sitting together in the back of the room, heads together over a paper on the desk. "Oh, hell," James muttered as he walked into the room and took his place between Remus and Sirius. "What the hell is with them?" he asked, gesturing vaguely back towards Lucius.

Remus shrugged, textbook already open, making notations in the margins of the pages. "They're diabolical bastards?" Sirius suggested, pulling out his books.

"Oh, 'diabolical'?" Remus asked mischievously, glancing up at Sirius. "That's a three point vocabulary word."

"Shut _up_," Sirius half-whined. "I'm just as smart as you are." At Remus's giggle, he snapped, "oh, why don't you just **take a long walk off a short pier**!" Remus rolled his eyes and turned back to his text.

"Are you _completely _sure that this will make him obsessed with Snape?" Lucius asked McNair in a barely audible whisper.

"Temporarily," McNair whispered back. "I got it out of a book in the restricted section when I snuck in last night to meet.."

"I don't care _who_ you were meeting!" Lucius said in exasperation. "Just shut up and write down what I need to do!"

Professor Horace Slughorn had just walked into the room when Lucius made his move. Pulling out his wand, keeping it concealed under his desk, he pointed it first at James, then at Severus, on McNair's other side. Whispering spells under his breath, he brought the wand back to James. He laughed to himself as he put the wand away, wrote something down on the paper and slid it back across the table to McNair.

Ten minutes into class, McNair acted. "Oi, Snape," he said, reaching out to tap the other on the shoulder. "Can I borrow that knife?"

James Potter froze when McNair spoke. "What the hell?" he whispered to Remus.

"What?" Remus asked, glancing from his text to James, frowning in confusion.

"Here," Severus grumbled, sliding his knife across the table to McNair.

"Thanks!" McNair said in a too bright voice, reaching over to slap Severus companionably on the arm.

"Don't touch him!" James suddenly shouted, leaping out of his chair and turning to brandish the vial in his hand threateningly at McNair.

"What the hell, Potter?" Severus asked, looking mildly mortified.

"Yeah, Potter. What the hell?" McNair asked, giggling and high-fiving Lucius under the table.

"**It's not that I'm a jealous man**," James began in a perfectly rational voice. "_**I just don't like other people touching my things**_!" As his voice went in to shrill hysterics, he flung the vial at McNair, accidentally hitting Lucius.

Lucius, furious, pulled out his wand at got to his feet. "You're going to regret that, Potter!" he snarled.

"Class!" Slughorn shouted, practically running down the hall to grab Lucius's arm before he could act against James. "Malfoy, _sit down_! Potter……what is _wrong_ with you?"

"I don't know!" James cried hysterically. "I..he…Snape…we…gah!" With a sob, he fell back into his chair.

"Lupin, perhaps you should escort Mr. Potter to the Hospital Wing?" Slughorn requested with a tilt of his head.

"Of course, Professor," Remus said, getting out of his chair and pulling on James's arm to pull him to his feet. "Come _on_, idiot…." He pulled his friend towards the door.

"I'm going to _get _you for that," Lucius hissed at James as he was hurried past.

"I loooooove you Severus!" James cried, flailing, waving and reaching out for Snape. The entire classroom burst into laughter, with the exception of Remus who was still trying to follow Slughorn's orders and Sirius who looked like he wanted to vomit.

"Ugh," Snape muttered as dropped his head to his desk with an audible thumping noise.

"Daaaaaarling Snivelusssss!" James was saying in a concerned voice as he was dragged from the room.

"I hate you," Snape muttered to Lucius, voice muffled.

"I know," Lucius said, self-righteous smirk firmly back in place on his face. McNair still hadn't stopped laughing.

"Back to the task at _hand_ class!" Slughorn snapped, trying to get the class back under control. Everyone was, however, still laughing. "Class? Class? CLASS!" When he got no response, he fell into his desk chair with a sigh. "Dismissed," he said, dropping his head into his hands, defeated, before he burst into giggles. Whatever the hell had gotten into Potter….well, poor boy, Madame Pomfrey would straighten it out….but it was hysterical.

**Author's Note: **Stunning crap fic. Yay.

Questions, comments, concerns? Review.


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